Sunday, January 16, 2011

Still Air

Nothing has happened lately.

Well besides the fact my mum and father are on their way to divorce. The catch? They aren't married to each other. We just left the stage in my life where my parents thought I was on drugs and that alone was a little bothering amount of drama. Nothing too big, though. The only fact I even mention it is simply because the time it took for the situation to be over was well worth calling a "Waste of time". Since it's been over, we had about 2 weeks of chilling out at the house. I kept good ties with my father and my mother in terms of conversation.

But when I found out my dad was being left my his wife, it bothered me a lot. Suddenly I knew I'd have to be there for him more often (Something I've never been accustomed to) to make sure he would stay on the right track. He tried not to make it seem like a big deal. That crap like this happens all the time.

I felt bloody teenager level with all this only to find out my mother was going through her own troubles. Danny came home drunk one night. Didn't answer his phone all day and when he finally did all he had to say to her was that he was too drunk to drive home. When they came back, my mom was trouble. I heard a lot, but not everything. I stood at the bottom of the steps waiting for my time to strike with my guitar in hand. Years of letting this dude talk down to my mother the way he does was something I wanted to come to an end. But she caught me. She told me to go upstairs. That he was just drunk.

... Now I'm stuck because while my parents are supportive of one another, they've kept me out of the loop. So what am I suppose to do..?

... ._.

Friday, January 14, 2011

We crash through walls when we get rough

I'll be testing the waters here as opposed to a more standard blog.

My name is James and I'm getting older. The cold winds at the YMCA during the winter feels as if I've been shaving days off my lifespan. True that many people have endured worse and I would even go so far to say that some of them even enjoy it, but the truth is I'm downright sensitive.

With my father growing older the worrisome feeling of not fulfilling what your parents had in mind of you begins to linger and I always aimed to please. With that said I'm not sure how I'd fit learning to fight in my schedule once school starts. My weekends are time to relax. My weekends are there for me because after I'm done with school and work for the week I'm exhausted.

With my mother growing older I start to see all the pain I've put her through. Moving out at a young age to be with someone she completely disapproved of. I acted out against everything simply because I felt everything I had worked for was being unfair for me. Selfish, ungrateful, and full of angst this young boy eventually grew up to be a person she couldn't trust fully. But I know that's all my fault and I'm willing to take the beating so long as that trust eventually gets filled into our relationship as mother and son.

With my ex finally not talking to me I constantly wonder what she's up to. I think now I'd have an easier time talking to her now that I'm not interested in getting in her pants. I know she'd like that if I could prove it. But then again, the more I'm given time to take a step back and analyze the more I see how lame she was. Everything good and bad mashed together in something I fooled myself into thinking was "true inlove" amounted to one thought in the end: I really want my letterman back.

My current significant other.. I really wish I had more to say about you. I wish I could bend my reality around you and bring you inside so I could finally feel like someone was with me on this trip again. But the more I try, the more it pushes you (like everyone) away. The unforgivable truth is that while I want my heart to be in it, I can't find it anymore and I tried letting my brain in on it only to find out there's a good reason I'm normally lazy. But you've stuck through to see me day-after-day. After all the mood swings and the lack of agreement, you manage to still trust we're in love and continue to make my life easier.

I'm sorry you probably won't ever read this and I'm also sorry that you can't have someone who loves you as much as you love them. I try to keep in mind that there's always a chaser and you've always been damn good at it<3